raynola

[I didn’t remember typing this until I found it on my computer tonight, but it’s something I scrawled in the waiting room at 6:30 this morning when I thought he was gone.]

They took him down at 6am. The OR nurse took both my hands, said, you know your father is very sick. I said yes. She said, he’s close to dying. I said yes. The anesthesiologist said something to somebody about hepatic failure, they agreed. I said, what hepatic failure? They said liver. I told them I’ve been asking about liver and they kept saying no, it’s his heart. Lynn the ICU RN said that much fluid in the belly like that is always liver.

Dad said it looks like this is it. He told me his keys are in his pants pocket, that there is money in the drawer somewhere.

I signed the forms for him.

He told me to go, I told him I would stay with him until they throw me out. I told him if he has to leave, if it’s time for him to leave, it’s OK for him to leave. I told him I would see him again either way. I gave him a kiss from Cas, one from Liam, one from Lauren, one from Erin, one from Billy. He said thank you to each one.

Earlier in the room he said [edited for privacy]

They told him he might still have a breathing tube in when they’re done. That he’d be sedated and wouldn’t know about it. He said, can I eat when I got back up? I told him he can eat, he can have whatever he wants. He kept asking for ginger ale. All he wanted was ginger ale. They put sedative in his IV and wheeled him off down the hall and he kept saying “make sure you get me ginger ale”.

In the room I showed him the picture of him holding me as a baby. I had to find his glasses to do it.